so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
