You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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