I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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