I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
