She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
