i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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