I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
