mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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