Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
