woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
