I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
