I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
