I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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