Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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