He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
