Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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