if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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