Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
