his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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