He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
