I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
