He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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