I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i've created a new STD.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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