I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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