I feel like I'm in dance class right now
where does the pee come out of this thing
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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