Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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