Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
