Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
