I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
