theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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