Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
