my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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