and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
