Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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