Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
