woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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