Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
