i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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