Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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