Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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