we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
