Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Two words: nipple clamps
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