I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
