I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
