Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Pants are for mortals
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
