Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
