So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
