I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
