Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
