I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
