ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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