I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
